Over the past few months things have really changed. In fact, everything has really changed. It’s strange to watch the very frame work of your life just crumble, and you stand there looking at what stood with you. So much has changed for the better; An amazing man has walked into my life, and that has been better than words can describe. For so long I have looked for someone to experience life alongside, and boom, there he is. He is so wonderful, and I can’t imagine my life without him any more. Aside from that, my job situation has completely changed for the better, and I do not feel an ounce of regret about my decision to leave that hell hole.
One of the biggest things I have been wrestling with and the reason for the title of this post, is my personal philosophy. I am stuck in a rut of trying to understand what it is I believe and why. The more I think about it the more sickened I become with humanity and myself. Rather than researching and learning to make a justified decision about what we believe, we just follow the masses like a herd of cattle on their way to a slaughter of the soul. We want something to believe in, but rather than figuring out what that is, we want people to tell us what to believe. We accept a truth that we have not discovered for ourselves, and we embrace it with a passion like the meeting of gasoline and flame. It is strong and bright, but it is instantaneous and in a moment, gone forever. Obviously I write this making blanket statements but fully realizing there are many people who have taken the time to use their minds and lay a foundation for their beliefs; If that’s you reading this, please ignore. But, if we are brutally honest, those people are few and far between.
This has also been a time of great realizations. For so long I was told what to believe, and what to want out of life. Thankfully, I have a guy who will stand by me as I figure all this stuff out, but I have really been shaking up my previously cemented future. What do I want? I just started a new job nannying. The job is awesome. I love kids, and they love me. I enjoy pouring into their little minds, and playing with them at the park. However, I’m not sure if I want them for myself. Since I was a teenager, it was drilled into my head that I was supposed to eventually get married and have children. “Hala, you will make a great mom..” Maybe. But, right now I am not sure if that’s what I truly want. To be honest, I might be a bit too selfish. I see this life before me, and all of these wonderful things I want to do. So many adventures I want to have with Dave. I’m not sure if I want to have children. I don’t know that I want the responsibility. I know my mind may change in a few years, but for right now I am learning to be content with the idea that perhaps that isn’t the road I will take. I am finding comfort in this learning process as I try to re-evaluate who I am and what I want. I am accepting that sometimes we just don’t know. Sometimes, we’re just not ready to know. Just because we become adults doesn’t mean that we have stopped growing and changing. We change all the time. I am learning thrive wherever I am planted, knowing that it is a growing and changing process. Understanding that life is mine, and that I must make the most of it, but that there is no specific pathway I must take.
Finally, I have decided to try and take myself off the grid, sort of speak. I am under no illusion that I can just tear myself off the internet. I know that everything that has been posted will forever remain in cyber space. However, I intend to contribute to my online presence much less in the future. Hopefully this blog and my pinterest account will be the only remnants of me to my friends and family. I am so sick of being a product. I am sick of being mindlessly herded. I noticed this the other day as I was sitting with David. There was a slight lull in our conversation, and I instantly pulled out my cell phone and opened facebook. Without even paying attention I was scrolling through a news feed without even reading. He asked me what I was looking at, and at first I didn’t even know. Then I sheepishly answered, “facebook” as I realized it looked like I was completely bored with his company and conversation. The worst part of all of this was I hadn’t realized what I was doing. That was the breaking point. Psychology has proven that the same amount of endorphins is released in the human brain when you get a “like” on facebook, as when you get a hug. That is sick. So today marks “Day 1” without facebook. Now when I’m waiting to meet with people, perhaps I will open a book, or write in my journal. No more mindless scrolling. No more being the product of the internet gods who aim to create me and lead me to slaughter.
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